I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. Anyone that has lived for even a moment has probably thought at least once, if only i could have this/that/ or the other thing, i could be happy. These “things” could refer to fame, fortune, or in my case, the return of love from the one you love.
So it happened. Ares professed his love and i cannot explain the sense of peace that flooded over me. I knew it, in my heart of hearts. I could feel it with every interaction, but as a girl, i needed the words as a confirmation. So great, i have it, now what? Crazy selfish right? But as i try to figure out why its not enough, i realized that as a human living right now, we always want more. I remember years ago thinking if i could only make X dollars, everything would work perfectly. When i made X, i needed more to complete another need. It makes me wonder if anyone is ever satisfied or is that just a part of our make up? When do we say yup, i got everything now so im all set?
So selfishly, i want him to say it again because it soothes my soul, helps me get past whatever hurdle knowing that his heart is mine. But its not 100%. I know his trepidation came from the fact that he is very married, with no intent to leave anytime in the near future. The children they have are a huge part of it but as he told me the other night, there is a comfort level that you reach when you have spent years with someone. I know that, i had it. I refuse to debate the topic because i dont want the animosity between us. He has to leave on his on terms if that is his eventual choice. If i try to convince him otherwise, it will be me that gets hurt.
So where does this leave me, the same place as before. Hoping for more than i am entitled to. Falling asleep alone 98% of my life. There is a song the surgeon just added to the playlist (dont ask why he continues to add or why i continue to look), “Too much is never enough”, by Bob Moses, my mantra.