Happy or content?

The lock

It’s funny how you look at a situation and see it one way but in reality its totally different. The last couple weeks were hard. I was emotionally insane, crying at the drop of a hat. That is not me. I improved as the weeks progressed.  I feel like I am back to normal(ish).

I’ve allowed myself to let other’s opinions of my situation influence my behavior which always leads to tears, heartache, anguish. I’ve given background to the recent argument, and it seems that we have settled back into a routine. It is just little comments that make me think that maybe there is a chance. Then as quickly as those moments surface, they disappear. Its almost like he feels the slip and wants to be sure I know my place. When he texts me while waiting for his son to come out of school, saying that it would be different if I was waiting with him. Or how when he was sick last week, it was me he wanted to talk to, me who he texted the entire day, me he wanted to take care of him.

We talked yesterday about relationship dynamics. I said that people get caught up in comfort and routine. Its almost like working in a dead end job, you know what to expect so you never walk away. He agreed but compared it to that movie Analyze This. Robert DeNiro, the mob guy, explains to his therapist, Billy Crystal, the difference between his wife and his mistress. The wife you talk about kids, family stuff, basics to run the home. The mistress you do other stuff with.

I said today that my life feels so up in the air. My children going off to college next year, work possibly changing, the inconsistency of everything in general, I have no constant. Ares asked if I was ok with that. I said I have to be. I’m not looking foe the commitment, or the lock, as he called it, because we do have a weird version of commitment. I know what it is like to be married. I want the afraid feeling to go away, the feeling that one day I will be surprised when he says he is leaving.

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