Happy or content?

I am a girl, everything needs to be discussed

I’ve mentioned that we are sexually adventurous.  It is not for the faint of heart.  You must be able to see the difference between love and sex, accept it, and know yourself.  We recently came pretty close to securing a third, skirted the line a bit, and I am not giving up.  Apparently this is a box on every man’s list that he must check off before he dies, who knew?

He caught a little flack from his home life for going to the strip club (I forgot to mention that part-pause for reaction).  I did not hear about it until the next day, and only surface stuff, no real conversation.  I agreed to let it go, Ares stating that it did not need to be discussed.  I am a girl, everything needs to be discussed.  The weekend came and went with no physical contact, which is highly unusual/  I chalked it up to him getting in trouble and being essentially grounded.

Me, “I suppose i need to accept for this wknd that you need to do some things i don’t prefer. Ugh, i’m thinking of stuff. I’m fretting. Its fine.”

Ares, “Dude. I’ll be sleeping in the basement.”

Me, “Really? And i prefer lil sexy over dude but ok. Sorry but not sorry. I would never let you sleep in the basement”

Ares, “So sweet. I can be a handful. But you know that. And a mouthful.”

Me, “I know who you are. I love every part of you. If i didn’t, i would not be fretting. The mouthful is what got me interested, the rest of it is what keeps me here.”

Ares, “Was gonna say give it time but I forget how long we’ve known each other. Well u certainly stumbled on to the best evolution of me so far.”

Sunday conversation was normal stuff…what are you up to, kids, blah, blah, and a lot of sex, wanting, needing, eventually to pic sharing.

We caught up today, had the initial I need to take off all of your clothes reaction, then went to workout together.  I can promise that I do not know how to leave well enough alone and I had to know what went down over the weekend.  I was told that she knew where he was going Friday night (not that I would be accompanying) and she was less than thrilled and then add the lack of intimacy.  I had to question, “not that I want you to but why aren’t you sleeping with her?”   Lots of stuff happening at home, blah, blah and of course she is no longer mad because, so he says, time heals all.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I love this news.  He said its been months.  Makes sense as he has sex with me every day, sometimes twice.  For a moment, I feel bad.  This was exactly where I was in my marriage, my husband had lost interest.  Ugh, then I let it pass because I am selfish.

So here is where things get a bit uncomfortable.  He can look in my face and know when I am off.  I told you we know each other.  I said I can’t ask anything, he said you can.  Fine.  I said I’m going to ask something, something I would ask any of my friends.  Take the fact out of it that I am sleeping with you.  He said ok.  Fine.  I asked, why do you stay?  He first said I don’t want to talk about this.  I said ok.  He then said that there is 15 years that have been built together and he doesn’t hate her, and they do have this life.  I said ok, what I felt was a knife in my heart but I have known from day one that he was not leaving.  Well things went to shit at this point.  He said lets just get this workout done and walked away.  Fabulous, I followed and he yelled at me while walking to machines, stating that I knew the weekend that he had, and we had such a nice time on Friday, and why would I want to cause him additional stress.  I couldn’t say anything.  That was not my intention at all.  I try to remain carefree, not have any emotions as they have done me no favors.  I asked because I care, and was curious for myself.  I am not delusional, he is never leaving.

He did not set up the machine like always for me, was giving me the angry eyes, let someone else work in before I even started.  I picked up my stuff and said I need a few minutes.  Then like the girl I have never denied being, I went into the bathroom and cried.  Pitiful.  He texted and said we should call off the workout for today, give a few hours to regroup, he hasn’t been relating to anyone well lately, he doesn’t want to make things worse.  I cried more.  I got myself together and hesitantly approached.  I put my stuff down next to him, took the cable out of his hand, and we hugged.  Stupid and sappy, we do not hug, especially in the gym, but it was necessary.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s anxiety. I told him that I just want him to like me best (I know how it sounds).  He said better than what.  I said your wife.  He said, who said I didn’t.  Finished workout, I let it go.  No sense in arguing a point that has no resolution.  Session 2, of course so satisfying.  A little bit of chatting after.

Me, “I just want more than I am entitled to.”

Ares, “You know I don’t believe that.  You are entitled to much more than I give you.”

Me, “I amend, more than I am entitled to with you.”

Ares, “I’ve told you before, I am lucky to have you.”

Hugs and kisses goodbye. Then later…

Me, “I am sorry i caused angst earlier, never my intention. I always want you to feel supported and loved. Never want to be the cause of your stress. Good sessions today. I missed you. ”

Ares, “it’s done and under the rug. No more bringing it up. Great sessions today. U had me totally hard. Need to continue with time off and less stress.”

Me, “Its been a difficult couple weeks for you. You are handling it better than in the past. Before you would have disappeared”

Ares, “Yes. I have it all figured out. Model of mental health.”

Me, “I wouldn’t go that far. You just have someone you can count on to listen, tell you when you’re being crazy, give you grounding.”

Ares, “She is lovely.”

Not a bad ending but I did learn a few things.  No matter what he says, I cannot ask questions.  It is not my right. And although we chatted tonight, no goodnight.   How do I turn it off without walking away?  I am not ready to give up yet.

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