I met up with a girlfriend this week who has had similar relationship experiences as I have. As we were discussing my current situation, she shared that about 15 years ago, she was involved with a married man. Her view was very cynical, stating that he told her everything my guy says to me and still 15 years later, he is still with his wife. The kids are gone, life has evolved, and he never left. I said my standard, I haven’t asked him to leave, and I wouldn’t. She kinda guffawed and we changed topics.
I think about the implications that it would have it I asked him to be with me and this is what I have come up with. First, lets assume I asked and he said yes. Immediately our lives would be in complete upheaval as his children are younger, there would have to be custody arrangements, he is the sole provider for this woman who has no education and has not worked in over 15 years. He is wealthy and she has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle which I am positive she would not be willing to give up. Recently he and I discussed money, me stating that I don’t care about what he has and he said, “I don’t either. Its not about how much money there is but it represents freedom. I am setting up a future for my children, so they are not in the same financial dependent situation I was in.” How can anyone argue with that logic? I said I understand and we moved on.
Second, if I asked and he agreed, his children would find out in a very traumatic way that their parents were separating. While I may not be the cause, they would be hard pressed to look at it any other way. I would be the symbol of the heartache that they felt. They would resent me and eventually, so would he. Not the best way to begin a life together.
Next, what if I asked and he refused. This is actually my worst fear, hearing that while I mean something, I don’t quite mean enough. It is really a sad way to look at things because I think this is the way that it would go. He has said on enough occasions that he built something that he is cannot walk away from. I don’t want to ask what he means. Is it with his wife, is it the children, is it an overarching family dynamic that he feels he never had? Or, it is this freedom that he talks about, that he is inching closer towards, that would fall apart when it is split down the middle.
He tells me, without my prompting, that if he didn’t have what he has, it would be me that would be with him, no one else. It is nice to hear that but he has never elaborated, never said I am here for my children and she just happens to be a part of that. Its not her that I stay for but she is here with them. Last week we talked about our relationship, which has been happening a lot more frequently lately. I know have mentioned that he is not a sharer and really, I wish I never thought about emotions. They definitely complicate my life. Anyway, I said that there were a couple things going on in my head. First we always talk about how I will never ask anyone to walk away from a relationship for a variety of reasons, including everything I said above. Then, I said that we talked about me waiting for him. He has said on numerous occasions, you would wait 8 years for me (his youngest is 10)? I always say yes but on this particular day, I said I keep telling you I will wait for you but honestly, I’m not quite sure what I am waiting for. If you say you are never leaving and I will never ask or require you to, then I’m not sure what is going on. He said nothing and I changed the subject.