There is pressure that I cause, trying to figure things out, although he insists that he does not think of it this way. I try to turn things off it is just hard to do. Its stupid, but I just get afraid of losing the little bit I have. I’m not really good at needy and vulnerable, they are not my strong suit. I am used to being in control, having people want me, being the pursued, not the other way around. I try to turn my girl brain off but it is a mystery as to why things creep in.
“Feelings are feelings. You gotta let them happen” says the man who never lets his out. He says he does but boys are better at masking. Insists that most guys would die for the situation he is in. I, being a needy girl, always want more. I create my own anxiety wanting more. It was just a few weeks ago that he opened up and said he feels guilt in two directions, one towards his family and guilt towards me, like he is shortchanging everyone, not giving anyone 100%. But followed up with more times than not, he feels amazing, surrounded by a lot of love and incredible sex, and a situation most guys would die for.
This got me thinking back to some of our first conversations. He and I are very similar, never walked the straight and narrow, which makes it crazy that we are both willing to do that now for each other (take out the married part-I am aware). So my comments back to the 100% were, “a long time ago when you walked away from your prior extracurricular, it gave you more time with your family. I never forgot that we discussed and I have some guilt of my own about it. I don’t want to cause you anxiety or pain. I know what you said about walking away (that he did not want me to), but I will, if it makes it better. And you are not most guys and just as my feelings matter, so do yours. I don’t want to be surprised if you change your mind and want to put all of your effort into one place.”
His response, “I don’t. I’m not saying it might not change at some point in the future but I don’t now. Same goes for you. You are smoking hot and in your prime. You could pursue many things. If you want to bail now I also understand.”
Me, “I don’t want to, I couldn’t, fucking emotions. Don’t love the disclaimer at the beginning.”
He, “I don’t now. My point is who knows what tomorrow brings for either of us.”
Me, “I have a plethora of lunatics trying to get my attention If I wanted to leave, I would.”
*As a side note, he has told me I am Aphrodite, as for whatever reason, I tend to attract many, male and female alike, and often have people proclaim their love for me, even on a first encounter. I am not sure what I am doing or how to stop it. His words, “you are very lovable and beautiful and have a smiling polite face.” Because of this reference, going forward I will call him Ares, Greek God and one of Aphrodite’s many lovers.
Ares, “I am glad you prefer this lunatic”