Happy or content?

Selfish or altruistic?

I think I might have figured out part of my residual anger over the heartache of the last year.  It wasn’t until just a few moments ago that I realized how much I change my life to fit into someone else’s.  I adjust schedules, plan driving times, change my gym location, just to be a part of someone else’s life.  It hit me when I told my paramour today that I have no reason to be in his area, only for him, and he said no you go to the gym here.  I said no, I come for you and end up using the gym in that area, not the other way around.

It reminds me of one of the conversations I had with my doctor, where he said he needs to slow things down so he can be fair to everyone, including himself.  I remember feeling awful, like I had discounted his feelings, like I should have given more, expected less.

I continue to put myself into situations, the now, the doctor, my marriage, where I will change every aspect of my life to please, soothe, provide, anything and everything to make someone else’s day, life, even the briefest of moments, better.  I always considered this a positive trait but if you think about it, it is pathetic.  Does this make me a good person or someone who needs to please just to feel good about myself?  I can look at it from both angles and prefer the glass half full, I enjoy making others happy.  Right now, at this moment, I am annoyed.  Just once, I want it to be about me.  Selfish or altruistic?

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