I think I might have figured out part of my residual anger over the heartache of the last year. It wasn’t until just a few moments ago that I realized how much I change my life to fit into someone else’s. I adjust schedules, plan driving times, change my gym location, just to be a part of someone else’s life. It hit me when I told my paramour today that I have no reason to be in his area, only for him, and he said no you go to the gym here. I said no, I come for you and end up using the gym in that area, not the other way around.
It reminds me of one of the conversations I had with my doctor, where he said he needs to slow things down so he can be fair to everyone, including himself. I remember feeling awful, like I had discounted his feelings, like I should have given more, expected less.
I continue to put myself into situations, the now, the doctor, my marriage, where I will change every aspect of my life to please, soothe, provide, anything and everything to make someone else’s day, life, even the briefest of moments, better. I always considered this a positive trait but if you think about it, it is pathetic. Does this make me a good person or someone who needs to please just to feel good about myself? I can look at it from both angles and prefer the glass half full, I enjoy making others happy. Right now, at this moment, I am annoyed. Just once, I want it to be about me. Selfish or altruistic?