Happy or content?

Is it only this hard for me?

I don’t even know the days these texts were sent.  For a month, at least, my days ran together.  I didn’t eat, fell into a dreamless sleep each night after hours of tears.  I cried at my desk, in my car, when the radio was on, when it was off, in the shower, and even woke up in the morning with tears on my face.  I went to meetings at work but cannot tell you what was said or what I agreed to.

One day after…

Me (3:33pm):  Is it only this hard for me?

Dr (3:38pm):  No, I worry about you-and think about you and I care about you and miss you too-but I have to slow it down so I am fair to everyone including myself, even if it hurts.

Me (3:52pm):  I understand that, I esp want to be fair to you.  I just don’t want to end up out of sight, out of mind.  I don’t get a chance to fight for you.

Dr (3:55pm):  I know you feel helpless in this situation, and that makes it even more painful than just the change, but you are always in my heart.

Me (3:58pm):  Thank you for saying that.  I dont want to make it harder than it already is.  Im sorry, for all of it.  Remember I love you.

Dr (3:59pm):  Love you too

*I believe these texts are in order chronologically.

Next day, it was a weekend day as I had plans to go to a concert with a girlfriend that afternoon…

We met early am, just to talk, and cry, and hold each other, you know, basic agony.  He talked a lot about how he hated to disappoint everyone, that he was trying so hard but was failing.  I can still see his face, wet with tears, full of anguish.

Me (9:52am):  I hate this.  You didnt disappoint me.  Its never been ideal or easy but this is awful.  Sorry, I dont want to make it difficult, I’m just sad.

Dr (3:03pm):  I’m so sorry I hurt you- so so sorry that you are in pain both from inside your life and outside-I think about you all the time.  I need to know you are taking care of yourself-This is not easy for me either but I know worse for you-and I love you for letting me go to try and do what I need to do

*I waited a while to answer because what could I possibly say.  My girlfriend, who knew all of the intimate details, told me to ignore all together.  That is not how I operate.

Me (4:52pm): I’m not ok.  I dont really know what to say about taking care of myself.  I am miserable.  I hate tears.  I dont get a say in what you need to do.  I understand it but it doesn’t make me happy.  The reason I agree that it is worse for me is bec I am in the dark while someone else is deciding my fate.

Dr (5:02pm):  You need to be brave and strong for your girls and yourself even if you don’t think you can-you are a survivor and you have to keep moving forward.  The only certainty is that there is no certainty and that has to be accepted-like you always say you don’t have to like it but you have to acknowledge it.

*Now at this point, I was already at this outdoor concert and these comments, using my own words against me, totally pissed me off.  Just rereading makes me angry all over again.

Me (5:08pm):  I will be fine.

Me (5:09pm):  I hope you find what you are searching for.

Dr (5:16pm):  You can be angry with me if it helps you-I know I hurt you badly-I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that honey but please know how grateful I will always be to you for letting me try and search.

*Even after all this time, it still brings me to tears.

Me (5:27pm):  You know it doesn’t help.  I have to be fine though, you said yourself.  I don’t really know what to say or think.  She gets this chance to hurt you all over again and you let her.  I realize your children have a lot to do with it which is why I understand.  It is selfish to ask you to open your heart again for her to consider falling back in love with you.  It annoys me bec I am in love with you.  However stupid or desperate that may make me seem.  It comes from wanting nothing from you but your love in return.  I realize that is an extremely simplified way of looking at the entire situation.  Im not trying to be difficult.  Do what you need, I could not and will not stand in your way.  This is hard for me but I have no choice but to get over it.  It was hard to open my heart again the way I did with you.  I need to be more cautious bec I remember now why I was so closed off.

Me (5:40pm):  I dont want to be this way with you.  I refuse to keep angry feelings between us bec I think what we shared and what we feel are so much better than that.  If you want to forget, I will.  It will be the hardest thing ive ever done but I told you before, I would do anything for you.  Im not angry, Im sad.  I miss you.  I love you.  If I didnt, this would be easy.

Dr (5:47p):  There is a huge pocket in my heart for you and always will be-I will not forget, nor would I want to.  You are amazing, you gave me the gift of love and then understanding-you did more for me than anyone and I am eternally grateful

Me (6:01pm):  So this is it. Yes?

Dr (6:11pm):  I don’t know-I really don’t

Me (6:12pm):  Do you want to still see me sometimes?

Me (6:16pm):  Listen, I love you and will work through stuff, even as a friend.  You cannot go back to having no one.  I know I am a bit biased but you can talk at me and I will reserve comment.  I would like to still be able to talk through my stuff with you.  You know my heart and thoughts and I value your opinion.

Dr (6:38pm):  Yes I can’t loose you completely-I need your wisdom and experience and support-I want to know you are ok even if I can’t make it perfect and I want to hear about you and your life.  But if it’s more painful for you to “wait” and wonder-then that’s not fair of me to ask and make you feel stranded and helpless

Me (6:49pm):  I need to see you.  I cant just not have you.  For always, we have agreed that we had to just be.  Can we do that for now, just be?  More than friends but less than partners?  A somewhere in between that we both need, want, crave?  Who knows what perfect even is.  We were pretty good, that means something.

Dr (6:53pm):  Yes of course- a shared pain and although brief a shared history

* This made me mad as well, then and now.  Almost like he was minimizing what we had.

Me (6:59pm):  Yes, we are not done yet.

I have to stop for today at least.  I am on this crazy emotional roller coaster this week.  Although its been a year, feels like a lifetime, these feelings that I have refused to deal with after that first month, are so fresh.  Typing his words is different than just reading them.  I can hear his voice saying those things, the inflection that he would have used, how his eyes would look.  It rips my heart out all over again.  Just this week, he added 4 more songs, 11 in the past two.  I am not a psycho stalker, this was my list to begin with, made especially for us.  He has other playlists.  He has only added to this one.  I don’t know what my expectations are.  I’m afraid for a couple reasons.  First, if he said he wanted me back, what would I say?  Second, what if he never says it?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: