Happy or content?

You can and you will

Right before the fateful vacation and what eventually stopped my heart from functioning normally, we were connecting, really well.  I need to share, have it written down, for my own sake.

I am a girl, I will admit.  I have crazy girl emotions, that especially come out when I’m tired.  I was on edge, having not slept the night before, my doctor getting ready to take that final week long vaca with his family, it was two days before he was leaving.  My own marriage was well over and I was in the process of apartment hunting, sorta, taking my time.  My emotions over the entire situation were evident and we left the gym this night with me having tears in my eyes.

As a side note, on this particular night, when he assisted me removing my sports bra, a quarter was stuck to my breast.  I had parked in front of a meter when I first got to the hospital that day, to run some errands for work, and the meter was broken.  I had no pockets (dressed in work out clothes for the gym) and just put the quarter in my bra, and of course forgot it. We both laughed, kinda lightened the mood.  I told him to keep the quarter in the car.  When he looked at it while away, he would think of me.  We then of course discussed my insecurities and I always regretted bringing them up, more tears, then we had to both go our separate ways.  Ugh.

Because he is good, or was, I got a text of a picture of that quarter later that night.  Even now it makes me smile.

Wednesday…

Dr (7:51pm):  pic of quarter.  1967

Me (7:54pm):  ok, you made me smile.  Do I get to love you still?  You still love me back?  Just in limbo, in between, no pressure, just enjoy what we have kind of something?  3 separate questions

Dr (8:48pm):  Yes     Yes     Yes

Me (9:05pm):  Ok pedro, I will remain sweet ass tina, not lard ass.  Enjoy the game, I need to sleep.  Love you, love you, love you.  Sweet dreams.

Dr (10:02pm):  Sweet dreams my darling-less than 24 hours

Thursday…he was leaving for the vaca the next morning…

Met at the gym/garage, all good.  I know we had a conversation about the Seinfeld episode I am going to reference

Me (8:58pm):  youtube clip for Seinfeld episode https://youtu.be/xYAzjJRZ6HA

Dr (9:39pm):  Oh man that clip is fantastic-“you can and you will”  I (smile face emoji with heart eyes) love it

Me (9:41pm):  Sweet dreams Pedro.  Xoxo

Dr (9:42pm):  Good night sweet as Tina

Me (10:00pm):  Can I talk at you for a minute

Dr (10:17pm):  You mean text or call?

(FYI we both got awful cell service in our homes which made it really difficult to ever call once we were home-aside from the obvious reasons it would be difficult to talk to your married boy/girlfriend)

Me (10:18pm):  Has to be text but as an fyi, always love a call

Dr (10:21pm):  I can text better than call at present since my phone service sucks at home

Me (10:21pm):  So I love a late night argument which started out as just talking about the house and selling it.  He said it is overwhelming and he needs time to think.  I said if we don’t sell within the next month and a half, we need to wait until the spring.  I also said it is going to be uncomfortable when he want to just hang with someone and he cant bring them here bec he lives with his wife.  I said he has no incentive to move bec he wants to live here but that isn’t an option.  I said I feel like he will drag his feet and not help get things ready because of this so it is overwhelming for me bec I am going to end up doing it all.  I also said I don’t understand why he wants to live with me bec he doesn’t think that highly of me to begin with.  I said I want us both to be happy.  He doesn’t want to give the house up, says he is worried about the girls, that this is a good neighborhood and they have their own rooms.  I said that what we have happening here is not better.  He stormed out at that point.

Me (10:24pm):  My youngest daughter (15), asked me if I wanted to move to the state where my sister lives.  I said it would be fun to live near her but that dad would miss her and that she wouldn’t get to see him a lot.  She said he is uncomfortable taking her to doctors appts, shopping, haircuts, so she doesn’t think he would care.  I said he would and that he loves her.  She made a face.  Kids hear everything and understand more than people think.  My concern is her feelings.  I have to do what is right for her and this situation isn’t it.

Dr (10:27pm):  Oh honey, I’m so sorry this is all hitting you at the same time-at least the girls are with you no matter what and that tells you that they understand your dedication to them, your maturity, and want you to be happy-that is everything!

Me (10:30pm):  I know.  I’m ok, its just frustrating.  I’m not upset, just confirms that I need to get my act together and do it.  She will be ok because of who she is and how I manage the situation.  As you know, I love with everything I am so hopefully she feels that.

Me (10:37pm):  I hate talking at you but thanks for listening

Dr (10:43pm):  Listen-I love you and care about you and hope that no matter what the future brings, that we are always in each other’s lives and that I will always try and listen to you and help if I can-that’s what I do-I try and fix things that are broken.

Dr (10:45pm):  Sometimes I’m not so good at fixing myself

Me (10:49pm):  That’s one of the reasons you have me.  I won’t let you get lost in the shuffle plus its really hard to doctor yourself.  Neither of us can predict the future but I can promise you that forever I will be yours.  I love you, more than I could ever explain.

Dr (10:56pm):  all emojis (eyes) (heart) (koala)

 

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