Happy or content?

Next week its been a year.  I’m struggling a bit.  Cried too many times for my liking this week.  The re-reader in me has come out way too often.  Someone told me a story last night that I will share.

In her pantry there is always Oreos, which she cannot resist.  Every time she walks past, she has to stop and grab one, they call her name.  She has asked her roommate to stop buying Oreos, no such luck.  The next best thing, just hide them, and never tell me where they are.  So far so good.  But, each time she passes the pantry door she repeats the same phrase, don’t eat the Oreos.

One year ago, my doctor was saying goodbye to his children, as his parents were taking them on a cruise to Alaska. I knew this 4 months before it was going to happen as we talked about staying at his parent’s house for several nights together.  When the time came, this did not happen.  He buried himself in work, took call for several of the days.  It was so hard for him when the kids were not around.  He had returned from one vacation and put his kids on a plane with his parents the next day.

Saturday…

Me (4:54pm):  Ok Pedro?

Dr (5:27pm):  Yes sorry crazy day-just getting back from airport drop off.  Got in at 930 last night-looking to see how Sunday looks for timing.  I’m thinking morning gym 9ish but I’ll confirm later koala

Me (5:28pm):  Ok, just checking to make sure you came back to me.  I made myself available all day tmw.

Dr (5:29pm):  Ok cutie-just catching up from being gone all week

Me (9:23pm):  Soon?

Dr (9:42pm):  Yes 9:30 special garage spot?

Me (9:42pm): Yes.  I miss you.

Dr (9:54pm):  Soon

We finally caught up with each other that Sunday, met for gym but never made it there.  Spent hours together, catching up, being in each other’s arms.  It was like time stood still.  It was so difficult to pull ourselves away, it was everything it should have been and more.  We made plans to meet the next day, a Monday, which also happened to be his wife’s birthday.  He said it didn’t matter, there were no plans made, no gifts purchased.  It was just another day.

Sunday night…

Me (8:55pm):  Logistically speaking, I love having you in my car, I much prefer you in my bed, arms around me, skin to skin

Dr (9:02pm):  Ah sweet goodnight cutie

Me (9:03pm):  Goodnight sweetheart

Me (9:52pm):  Text me tmw to let me know if you can meet.  Love you

Monday…

Me (12:13pm):  Gym today?

Dr (1:34pm):  Honey I’m not going to make it – something about today I kinda have to keep separate just need to ok?

Me (1:35pm):  Ok, are you alright?

Dr (1:35pm):  Sure just weird feelings is all

Nothing else, no more comments that day, no goodnight, just silence.  We ran into each other on Tuesday, he was on call, didn’t have much time.  Met me quickly outside of the gym.  I walked him to the OR on my way back to the garage.  I can still see the spot we stood in, he bending to kiss me, telling me he loved me, acting as if all was normal.

Then Wednesday, my life stopped.  We met at the car, we never got out.  It seemed like an eternity but in a blink of an eye.  She had known about me, didn’t care but now with the kids away, on her birthday, it got her thinking that she didn’t want to be alone.  He told me she said she knew he had found someone that made him happy but would he consider stopping seeing me so she could figure out if she could find a way to love him again.  I can hear him still telling me, the words still ringing in my ears a year later.  My heart never quite recovering.  He wanted so badly to keep his family intact, his kids within arms reach, he had no choice.  It was hours that we talked, cried, he held me and our tears mixed with each others.  I can still feel his breath on my face as my entire world crumbled.  As I type these words, and the sobs are coming up in my chest, almost choking me still, I am trying to tell myself to not eat the Oreos.

 

 

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