Happy or content?

Relationship dynamics

I know it was me that changed the dynamic of the relationship yet the changes I put into place where not intended to change anything with you.  When I told you that my relationship was over, you said that you could not take care of me.  I responded that I didn’t need you to.

I think we have both gotten used to the fact that I am solely yours and I prefer it that way and I think you do as well.  I know your issues with emotions and how you joke instead of saying what you feel.  I am okay with that most of the time.  I don’t know how to say this without making you mad so I’m just going to put it out there.  You know you have my body, but you also have my heart now as well.  There was a time when that wasn’t so but you don’t want to share and I get that.  I’m not saying I want to share either.   I told you that the girl you have now requires more attention, and some affection occasionally, and a few words every now and then.  I can turn stuff off, but its hard to go back and forth.  I can guess about what you feel for me.  Your actions do speak volumes. You hinted just this week, that just because you have not proclaimed it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there because you know it is, but its far more complicated. Maybe I shouldn’t care about the words, they are just words.  I have found that they are powerful, can give immense joy yet take it away in an instant.
I love being with you, every moment.  I know that there was someone else there first, our thing sprouted up around it.  As I’ve said in the past, it is really difficult to share you with the one person who can take you away from me.  I don’t like being fearful.  I wish it didn’t matter.  I know that this business arrangement is different, would be difficult to untangle, but I didn’t ask you to.   The tattoo date is a heart breaker.  You said when you got it, it meant nothing.  You made a point to show me and tell me.  Today was different.  I suppose the recovery of it signifies the beginning of a life that enabled you to have your children is plausible but it doesn’t take away the initial sting.
I am there whenever you need/want me, dropping everything just to spend an ounce of time with you.  I have only ever asked for your time in return.  I am not used to being the person that sits and waits on another, hoping they text.  I am repeating my past mistakes, allowing someone else to unknowingly control my thoughts and actions.  I know what I have to do, feel like its on the tip of my tongue.  Can’t find the strength to say it out loud.  My heart is already broken and I’ve said nothing.
You said a couple weeks ago that this is an inherently inequitable situation. You have told me so many times that I deserve more.  I guess I need to know what you mean.

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