Happy or content?


It’s been 5 months since I saw my doctor.  I have thought about him everyday, obsessed, cried.  Even with the addition of three new songs, didn’t mention all of them a few weeks ago, I was sure that there was a part of me that loved him still.  I remembered how we were.  It was a something.  I saw him today.  I was at his campus for a meeting and I saw him as I was leaving.  He is on call.  I said he looked like he was.  He said that he just started call so imagine how he will look tomorrow.  In the past, I would have felt bad for him, that he was already starting tired.  I felt sad but not in the same way.  I felt sad for what he gave up, how much he seemed to have aged, and the loss of the sparkle from his eyes.  I used to be able to look at him and see something special, today it was hollow.

My intention when I started this blog was to heal through sharing of my words, our words.  My thought was that if I wrote it all out, took the raw emotion that I felt and stopped holding it so close to my own heart, that things would have to get better.  Sometimes it is difficult to force yourself to just say the words.  By keeping them locked away, you can pretend they didn’t happen, or you can tell yourself that.  The worst part about seeing him and doing the fake happy, how are you routine, is that I shared this info with my paramour.  He knows about my past with the doctor and I don’t want this type of secret.  Although nothing happened, I promised I would tell him if I ever ran into him.  I shared through text right after.  Just facts.  I then said that he just caught me off guard (the doctor) and that I don’t care about him at all.  This is true but I didn’t realize it until I typed the words.  I love my paramour.  I do not want to hurt him in any way.  He said, I know, no need to talk about it anymore.  Ugh, I feel like I hurt him anyway.

I will finish the story of the doctor, but not today.  I don’t feel like it is as urgent as it was when I started.  Time is funny.  It does heal wounds.  I have said I do not live with regrets and that is still true.  I would never take away the time I spent with him.  He reminded me that I am worth loving, even if he does not feel the same self worth.  I deserve more than what he was willing to give.

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