Happy or content?


I renamed my hidden file of texts, pics, etc “Selfish”.  When I reread these words of our life, my doctor and myself, I realized that he took exactly what he needed, making sure to just give enough back.  It appears that when he felt me slipping out of touch, he would provide just enough to reel me back in.  I was his safety net/security blanket, someone who would be available to soothe his wounds if he needed.  He could throw in cutes, lovey, koala, and my heart would melt.  I would do anything he asked, stay later at work, talk late into the night, just to be sure he was doing ok, that his heart knew that there was someone that loved him, that he was not alone.

So it brings me to today.  If I know this is my MO, that I set myself for a broken heart, would you call me a glutton for punishment if I keep repeating my past?  This man, who I have chosen to be with, does very similar things.  I rearrange my life to be with him whenever he has a moment.  I never ask for anything but time.  I want to always be clear that it is not what you can give me in terms of material items, I want quality.  So he is not feeling well, told me yesterday morning when I saw him.  Told me last night when we were texting.  It is my nature to want to heal, make you feel better.

We have talked so much about feelings lately.  He joked last week and said I hurt his feeling, as he only has one (it was over something silly-I forget even what). He has said that I am his girl, my heart, my body, belongs to him.  He has even stated he knows it sounds possessive.  It does but I am ok with that, until the tide turns a bit. I said last week I would be willing to turn my feelings off, not expecting anything in return, as it is difficult to switch back and forth between completely in love and pretending someone doesn’t exist.  I could return to the old me from the beginning, the one you could just call for a quick get together, but that girl belongs to no one, she is her own person that has no ties to any relationship.  He insisted no, he does not want to share me, could not.    So last night as we were texting I said, “I am sorry you don’t feel well, I wish I could take care of you.  I’m bringing out the feeling, feel better, love you.”  He said, “don’t overuse the feeling!”  I said “how about a nice response, and now I take my feeling back.  I told you because I want you to know that you are loved during your time of illness.”  Then I said nothing else, and neither did he.  It reminds me of that movie, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 days”.  I am not overly emotional.  I am not dripping with desperation, begging for an I love you, ever.  I don’t want gifts or to be showered with affection.  It is nice to hear sometimes that someone wants to be with you, misses you even.  Its been 14 hours since we texted, the longest in a very long time.  No good morning, no what are you up to today.  Just silence.  Silence does not feel golden, its lonely.

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