Happy or content?


So my paramour, go ahead and look up the definition on Urban Dictionary, was away with the wife this weekend, all part of being a couple.  He only sleeps with her occasionally, not on this trip.  We are honest with each other.  He doesn’t point out the days that he is with her sexually but my rule is he can’t double up, having her in the am and then me later in the day.  If he does that with her, that is not my issue.  As I type the words, I know how it sounds.  Sorry to all of you that are silently, or maybe not so silently, judging me for what you may believe is awful.  I have been honest from the start that this is currently the life I lead.  You can think I am wrong on a variety of levels but this is just how it is.  I know that some women may say how would I feel if it were happening to me.  I probably would be hurt, sad, disappointed.  I refuse to live with regret.  I get one life and I love him, more than I ever thought I would, more than I thought I was capable of.  I think she is aware of what is happening.  I would be surprised if she didn’t.  I am not sure why she accepts it and really at this point, I don’t care.  I want him for who he is, not for the money he has or what he can do for me.  I would take him in an instant, without reservation.  That doesn’t happen every day so for now, I will enjoy what I have.

Taking all that into account, he has trouble with sharing feelings and emotions.  Always has, I’m sure it has something to do with parental issues from his past.  I can’t control this and love him in spite of it.  He is protective of me, almost possessive. No definitely possessive, as he used this word yesterday morning.   I don’t mind it, I am crazy and actually like it.  I saw him today after the long weekend away, three days without seeing each other in person.  We texted all weekend although he was on a very secluded trip with his wife and her friends.  I am not sure how he finds the time.  We exchanged sexy pics.  I refuse to withhold how I feel.  You get one life, and if you don’t share, will you somehow miss the opportunity?  I reassured him yesterday while texting that it was him that I loved, only him.  (I had been out with girlfriends the night before as they were man shopping at a bar).   He first said thank you, then calling me by his pet name for me.  Can I not find one person that will just say I love you back?  Then he said, I truly feel that, you are my only.  We said some other stuff and then I said, you need to find some words for me.  I am not trying to put pressure on anyone to proclaim their love for me but it is hard thinking you are involved in a one sided relationship. He said a few other things about missing me, eagerly anticipating being with me again.  Then he said, “I will find words.  May I have a little time to put something together that’s just right?”  I didn’t respond, just kept talking about other things.  What do you say to that, sure, take as much time as you need, I know I love you is difficult so whatever?

We chatted last night, a call with vid, he was eager to see my face.  We both require grounding at times, knowing that we belong to each other still.  He was waiting in my  apartment when I arrived home from work today.  I know we both were eager to reconnect.  I anticipated we would get right to it, he was clear how much he needed me through our text and chat.  He surprised me though, stopping me from undressing him, kissing me first, deeply and passionately, his arms around me.  We do not kiss often, more than a peck hello or goodbye.  Kissing is intimate, connects on a different level than sex.  I question my sanity and judgement sometimes.


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