Happy or content?

The right now

I lead a very lonely life.  I know it is of my own choosing.  I think that people end up staying with their respective spouses for a variety of reasons, one of them being fear of loneliness, ending up with no one at the end.  I’m not afraid of that and usually it is not so bothersome.  It is in the quiet of an afternoon off from work, when your children are with their father, your boyfriend is out on a date with his wife, and the man that you were supposed to end up with is no longer in the picture.  I’m dwelling on the past as you can see.  Don’t get me wrong, I love this man I am with now, for a variety of reasons.  He is there when I need and there is not much more I can ask for.  For the most part, I don’t mind that there is a wife there, except when I feel alone and I want him with me.  I think that part of the reason I have continued with this relationship , and this is not a large part,  is that I can be emotionally unavailable and no one will call me out on it. Divorcing my husband was like dying from cancer, slow, painful, I could see it happening but could do nothing to stop it.  Losing my doctor was like being hit by a train, fast, tragic, life altering.

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