Happy or content?

Mr. Right Now?

I talk a lot about being happy but is it happiness we are looking for or fulfillment? I definitely don’t want to settle for just being content. I have thought a lot about this but it wasn’t until a conversation just this week that I really understood.

As my married friend and I were working out, we were chatting about our relationships, with each other, spouses, past lives. He said that he looks at his current situation and compares himself to a piece of  furniture, a staple in his own home, something that you are just used to seeing.  My question to him was how long will that be enough?  I then said the real question is how long will I hang around while you try to figure that out; he said that is the real question.  This conversation became more philosophical, in my opinion, as he said that men need to feel needed.  There is always the sex part, which goes without saying.  He said that it is the way that I look at him, that he does not get those looks anymore at home.  It makes me wonder why anyone would settle.  I don’t want to ever settle for just content.
How do you know which direction to turn, what the right path really is?  I thought when I married at 20, planned for a life, had children, that it was everything it should be.Maybe looking for Mr. Right is just bs, we should all being looking for Mr. Right Now, or Ms., whatever your into.  So that brings me to my yesterday encounter.  Together at the mall, just catching up, and somehow the topic of his wife came up.  I don’t believe he will be with her forever.  This is not a desperate plea on my part to be with him, it is just how I see it.  I think he likes the idea of having someone around but who wants to be a piece of furniture.  Anyway, he asked if I wanted to get married again, not a proposal, just a general question.  I said I didn’t think so but I could marry him.  I was sure to clarify that this was not for monetary reasons (he is wealthy), but because what we have is a grown up relationship, built on honesty, mutual respect, and intense attraction.  Now I realize that some people may think that honesty between people in an illicit relationship may seem far fetched but he and I share it all, the good, bad, and the ugly.  However, we do not generally share our feelings. They are a known fact so there is no reason to proclaim it at every turn.  I have been burned in the past so currently I am a big fan of pushing that stuff down.  The conversation turned and that was it.  I felt like there were things left hanging so I texted later.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I put it out there, see below…
Me…
There came a point that I knew I could be with you.  It wasn’t a particular moment, there was just a shift.  You make me laugh-never cry-and I really hate tears, I’m so not good at that.  It is more than just the o’s, which are fantastic if I haven’t mentioned that before.  You’re thoughtful, not in the pussy emotional way, I’m not looking for romance novels.  We have real conversations, you seem interested in my opinion, and you ask about my children.  All of those things plus its the way you look at me as well.  I’ve never expected a commitment nor would I ever ask.  I would want you to want that without my suggestion.  I could marry you, not that I am asking.  I say that without reservation because someone like you doesn’t just come along everyday.  I know you say you don’t take compliments well but know that you are great, at least in my opinion.  I know you said I get the best parts but I appreciate all of you, even the grouchy side.  I am just a little jealous sometimes.  Please know that I am not asking or insinuating that things should change.  I know what I signed up for and who and what I was getting involved with.  I’m saying this over text so I don’t have to say don’t look at me.  And also, you have the option to delete, ignore, ghost, etc.
He responded with the following…
Dang girl.  You’re not really the ultimatum type so I assume you were just letting me know your feelings.  Very sweet stuff just like your personality.  I ask about your children because in addition to whatever our relationship is we are friends.  Yes I evaded a bit.
Me…
There will never be an ultimatum, not my style.  It is important to me that you know, I hate dancing around a subject.  Yes you evaded but that is who you are.  I’m ok with that.  We are friends but more than that.  Thanks for not ghosting.
Him…
I wouldn’t do that to you.
So today is like nothing was said at all.  I am in an eternal limbo.  I am frozen to make any changes because I genuinely don’t know what I want or where I want to be.  I would marry him.  He said to me once that we have a love thing which I believe is true.  This is his second marriage and he is settling.  I won’t resign myself to content.

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