I keep all of these texts hidden, having to enter a password to get into the folder where they live. I found that when I kept them readily available, I analyzed constantly, trying to figure out what I could have done differently to change the course of fate.
They say time heals. While it is true that time can dim the pain, it doesn’t ever take away the self doubt that comes with losing someone you love because they did not choose you.
Me(5:02pm): Hi sweetheart
Dr(5:23pm): Hi-car basement 10 min?
We would often meet in the garage instead of the gym if he had had a long day. When I became the person that would look forward to hanging in a hospital garage is beyond me. This day in particular we talked about his situation and what I needed from him. After I would put it out there, I instantly regretted saying anything because I never wanted to make him feel pressured.
Me(7:33pm): While words are important to me, having you by my side, even for the briefest of moments is so much more. Thank you for putting up with my neediness.
Me(7:42pm): link for He ain’t heavy, hes my brother. (I cannot remember the significance of this song)
Dr(7:49pm): Ah yes very old music-nice shirt dude
Me(9:04pm): Ahh, beat you again. Love you, sleep well.
Dr(9:06pm): You did-about to hit the sac-goodnight sweets
Me(8:27am): You may have to look at me in work clothes today before the gym. My 90 year old volunteer said my shirt is a bit low cut. I didn’t think so but I need a professional opinion
Dr(9:10am): Ah yes text me on arrival
Me(4:18pm): Do you have time to judge my clothing choice?
Dr(4:20pm): Quickly yes-I’m in the trauma bay but where are you?
Me(4:21pm): Just come out the side door
*He felt my clothing choice was professional and sexy. Agreed to meet at a break in his schedule.
Dr(5:50pm): Garage basement in 10
*I would often stop mid-workout when he was available. It seemed reasonable at the time but now just desperate.
Me(9:35pm): There are a million important things to do. I can’t think of one I am looking forward to more than V friday
Dr(9:41pm): Hi-going to sleep now-bon nuit!
Dr(1:17pm): Less than 24 hours now Owen
Me(1:18pm): Did I mention that you are cute and I like like you
Dr(1:20pm): It may have come up before but that may have been me speaking about you
Me(1:21pm): heart emoji, soon
Me(2:54pm): Nana’s pool would be perfect today
Dr(3:27pm): I know-oh well-we can get wet another way
Me(3:40pm): We will
Me(6:29pm): Hi. I am at the hospital. Just walking to gym now. Text me when you are done
Dr(6:42pm): Hi-meeting done at 7 but the graduating chief residents invited all available attendings last minute to go get a drink in a less formal setting than the graduation dinner-to say thanks and goodbye so I’m gonna go along. Sorry cutie!! but Friday is even closer!!
Me(6:43pm): its ok, I have no problem standing half naked in the gym. Tonight is arms.
Dr(6:44pm): Just think you can stand totally naked tomorrow
Me(6:44pm): That is true, but not in this gym
Me(7:28pm): I should have said have fun so have fun. kissie face emoji
Dr(12:47pm): Just finished case-bout to head back to hospital-should be there 1:30 at the latest
Me(12:47pm): K, here, just waiting
Dr(1:01pm): On my way-you know in the basement?
He had mentioned on several occasions that he wanted a real date but it was so hard because of our respective spouses, our living arrangements, our positions in the hospital. Spending time at his parent’s home was far enough off the beaten path that we should not run into anyone. That afternoon, he had chosen a restaurant in the area, where we could sit and talk, eat good food, relax. We sat across from each other at a high top table in the bar. The restaurant only had a few people in it as it was mid afternoon and the lunch crowd was gone already. He ordered Pappardelle, wild boar ragu, grana padano. We talked about our children, his home situation and where he and his wife were with everything. He told me that when he takes his daughter out for dinner, she always wants a bite of what he has. They have created something called “the perfect bite”, a little bit of everything on the plate on one forkful, so you get a great mix of all the dish has to offer. As he explained this, he put together a perfect bite for me, and fed me the bite. While the dish was good, it was the sharing of the sentiment that was perfect.
As we chatted, he did become visibly upset, as he said he hated having to sneak around, not having the ability to just be with me whenever. I took his hand and said something along the lines of, I want to ask you something and I need you to answer me honestly. He nodded and just listened. “Do you think you love me”, yes he said. I then said that I am ok with waiting for him to work things out so his children suffer the least amount through a separation. My feeling is is that life is too short to give up on what we have. He stood, came to my side of the table, and held me for a long time, then bent down and kissed me. I felt happy. Driving back, stopped at a light, we took a selfie together. There were real smiles, happy eyes.
Me(8:31pm): Im so tired. I am lame, going to bed. I loved every moment of today. Sweet dreams love.
Dr(8:32pm): Get a goodnight sleep-today was wonderful-2:30
Me(8:33pm): Less than 24 hours Owen. heart emoji
Dr(8:32am): Car trunk gym locker (link for playlist)
Me(8:34am): My workout mix today
Me(9:05am): It was a perfect snuggle, stay in bed late morning
Dr(9:05am): ; )
We agreed to meet before his scheduled haircut (at 230) for milkshakes.
Me(4:15pm): Can you do V on friday after rounds? We are leaving Saturday instead and taking off monday so we can extend into tuesday.
Dr(4:17pm): Yes ma’am!!
Me(4:18pm): Done, please schedule my room
Dr(4:31pm): Yes I have you booked in the corner room 2nd floor with a view of the nosey neighbor and your private tiny green shower and possibly a cheesesteak for lunch
Me(4:33pm): Perfect, this is the exact reservation I was looking for. Does it come with an irresistible, attractive and incredibly sexy man?
Dr(4:42pm): Why yes now that you mention it, it does but you must provide significant back scratching and no laughing if he falls asleep post call and snores
Me(4:42pm): I actually like when he sleeps next to me. I can only scratch his back if he agrees to be completely naked and lets me lay on top of him when he has had enough
Dr(4:45pm): He likes it done with round one and needs to recharge for round two
Me(4:46pm): Sold, she likes it as well. I love you.
This week was amazing and wonderful. I couldn’t ever remember feeling this way with anyone.