Happy or content?

Who doesn’t love a mixed tape

Old school romance consisted of a mixed tape.  You knew you had something if your SO put a little something together, that they were thinking of you when a song came on.

Here’s the one the Dr. made me.  He adds songs still to this list.  I feel like he knows that it breaks my heart all over again but what do I know.  Some of these songs were ones that he mentioned to me.  He is a huge music fan, loves live concerts, plays guitar.  He had a knack for picking songs that would be radio hits a month or two before they even hit the radio.  He always said he listened for the melody while I listened to the words.

Original List

Radio-Sylvan Esso

Can I Sit Next to You-Spoon

Rawnald Gregory Erikson the Second-STRFKR

Hometown-Twenty One Pilots

Reflektor-Arcade Fire


Chain My Name-POLICA


The Ghost Inside-Broken Bells

Houdini-Foster the People

The Veldt-Radio Edit-deadmau5

Stereo Love-Original-Edward Maya


The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness-The National

Happy Idiot-TV on the Radio

Go-The Chemical Brothers

The Beigeness-Kate Tempest


Addicted to a Memory-Zedd


Lean On-Major Lazer

The Less I Know the Better-Tame Impala

Roses-The Chainsmokers

Higher-Mondo Cozmo

I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it-The 1975


Dark Matter-Andrew Belle

Let Me Love You-DJ Snake


Additions one month later

Everything Now-Arcade Fire

iT-Christine and the Queens

At Your Funeral-Bearoid

Alaska-Soft Tukker Remix-Maggie Rogers

On Melancholy Hill-Gorillaz

Know No Better-Major Lazer

Additions two months later (one week after separation)

Dark Days-Local Natives

The High Road-Broken Bells

Jungle-Tash Sultana

Sit Next to Me-Foster the Prople

High-Sir Sly

Additions three months after original list (approx a month and a half after separation)

The Gold-Manchester Orchestra

This Is It-Lo Moon

&Run-Sir Sly

Additions four months after original list (approx two and a half months after separation)

Up All Night-Beck

Loveless-Lo Moon

Save Me a Place-Bridge & Mountain-Mono Mind

Additions five months after original list (approx three months after separation)

Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea-MISSIO

In the Fade/Feel Good Hit of the Summer-Queens of the Stone Age

Additions six months after original list (approx four months after separation)


Additions seven months after original list (approx five months after separation)

All the Stars (with SZA)-Kendrick Lamar

As I typed this list, I realized it makes me seem desperate, like I have nothing else and I am just waiting for him to add another song for me to obsess over.  This may have been true at one point.  I could not bring myself to unfollow him on the music app.  I felt like this was the only connection I had and I wanted to be close to him.  I asked him a few months ago, after the “The Gold”, why he keeps adding songs, why couldn’t just tell me in person he wasn’t in love with me anymore-one of the first lines in this song is “I don’t think I love you anymore”.  He said, “no, no, no baby, I am not trying to talk to you through the playlist.”  I was relieved and mad at the same time.  This is not your typical playlist.  He isn’t making new playlists with random songs on it.  He named this list specifically for me.  He called my car, “Car, Trunk, Gym Locker” because I kept everything in it, lived out of the car essentially, going from work, to the gym, to home and back again.  At anytime I had several pairs of shoes, extra jackets, gym clothes, bottles of water, books, etc…He named the list the same, my list!  Make another list, delete this one, do something to prove that I am out of your head and heart.  It’s funny, you want that finality of the deletion but know that when it happens, it will be crushing.


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