Happy or content?

Texting is for logistical purposes, or at least that’s what he always told me.  However, when you both live with your spouses, it really is the only way to communicate.  Sometimes you just need someone to talk at.  It is not the response, its the simple idea that you know that someone is on the other end wanting to hear your words.  In the beginning, it was logistics, meet me at the gym in 10, see you in the garage at whatever time.  Then it was just different.  We were sure to touch base, even to just say goodnight.  When he was “laser focused” on call, he would be sure to just check in.  He started the pet names, cutie, sweets. lovey…it was easy to fall.  I cherished every text, saving them all like I was a teenager in love, rereading if I was having a bad day.  Unfortunately, when you reread, you analyze each word, wondering if he really meant something totally different.

It is true that I told him I loved him first.  It is dumb not to tell someone if you feel it, what if you don’t get the chance again.  I didn’t get the response every girl hopes for but I will paint the picture.  We met for a Saturday morning workout.  This gym was always empty so it was like a 2 hour date.  In between sets he would sneak in a kiss, come up behind me for a quick snuggle, brush my arm as he passed by.  I was laying on a bench in between an ab set, only wearing a sports bra and shorts, and surprisingly, he leaned down and kissed my stomach.  I thought I might melt into the floor.  He was everything any woman could hope for (minus the wife at home). We met up in his office and it was magical.  He was always attentive, being sure I was completely satisfied.  The leather chair in the corner was ours.  After, he was lounging with his eyes closed, me sitting on top of him, just watching him rest.  He worked so hard and such long hours, always thinking of his patients, or his children, or me, worrying not about himself or what he needed.  The words just came out, I couldn’t stop them if I tried.  He said, uh oh.  Not my dream response.  I said basically the same as I said earlier, when you know, you know.  He said he was just afraid of hurting me.  He has the same feelings (did not say the words) but was still holding out hope that his wife would come around.  What do you say back to that, I hope she doesn’t?  I said that I only want his happiness so if that means waiting for this woman to open her heart, than that is what I would hope for.  He said I am too good, I am selfless, then he kissed me.  I didn’t feel good, only sad.

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