Happy or content?

Somewhere in between…

Somewhere in between blissfully in love and separated at 42, you realize that life is just a string of moments jammed together to form one forever long life, with its ups and downs.  Do you continue fucking the same married guy because he is hot and unhappy but too afraid to leave his wife for fear that he won’t have as much money or that life will become harder?  Comfortable is what they all say.  My husband would have never left me, although he “had issues”, refused to talk about it, refused the blue pill that is discussed on TV on a regular basis.  So what other choice did I have but to turn somewhere else to get what I craved, needed, desired, something to sustain my every day and make life a little less monotonous.  When I finally said enough is enough I want happiness not insanity, he was surprised.  He is even still surprised when I say no to advances, call him out on his bull shit.  When there is nothing left between the sheets and nothing worth the effort, why is it that the woman has to say fuck it, I’ve had enough.  Why can’t the guy, if he is not in love with “the one” anymore or if he, being currently knee deep in his own marriage bs have enough balls to say fuck it, I want out, I found someone else.  Life is so short to continue on a path of destruction, one that not only is killing one, but both and making anyone involved, including children, absolutely miserable.  But as my married friend says, it’s not like he is miserable, why would he leave.  Is that enough of a reason to stay, because you’re not absolutely miserable.  Do you take the path with someone for the rest of your life because you don’t mind living with them.  Where is that eternal bliss of your 20s, where you look into each other’s eyes and can’t wait to just reach out to feel their skin, smell their sweat as it mixes with your own?  It’s not the newness of a relationship, it is the excitement of knowing someone so deeply, their thoughts, their movements, their desires that keeps us coming back for more.  Comfort can be the result of that but it doesn’t have to disappear into a nothingness that many people describe as a lifelong commitment.

So here I sit on a Saturday night, alone, my children with their father, my boyfriend with his wife, and me with a computer.  You attempt to fill your days with pedicures, romance novels, hours of girl talk about how it should be but really who knows what the answers really are.  There are two types of people, one that have enough guts to demand what they want and go after it, and the other, submissive, willing to accept the hand of fate.

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